Cinco de Asshole 2: Judgment Day

I like how President Obama welcomed everyone to “Cinco de Cuatro” on Monday.  Well, welcome to “Cinco de Seis”, bitch!!

Nothing much going on at The Bukkake Files these days.  cosmonogamy and sexykitten are back in full force.  My big, fat ass can take a big, fat break.

I went wild at Pennysmith’s Paper today and now I teeter on financial ruin.  Damn you, Retro 51 Big Shot!  I ordered a Retro 51 Big Shot because my previous Big Shot took a big leap into a garbage bin in one of my infamous drunken rages.  Yes, I’m the kind of asshole who throws away a fine pen in a hissy fit and loses it forever.  So I go to Pennysmith’s for my new pen and I buy all kinds of other shit for me’s moms on Mudda’s Day and something for Soap and many things for me … and I’m walking out with a big bag and empty pockets.  What the fuck!

Now I’m all fired up and kinda liquored up … so I might as well do something with this post.  Let’s play a new game I just “invented” a few minutes ago.  This game is called “What the Fuck!”  I was really hungover on Sunday, so I sat in my chair and watched Die Hard with a Vengeance on A&E.  Sam Jackson and Bruce Willis are fighting the villain at the end of the motion picture and Sam Jackson shouts, “Hey, McClain!  What the fuck!”  And I like it.

Hey, Antoinette Antonio!  What the Fuck!  You were the #1 Newscaster on the Bukkake Broadcast Network because I wanted to blind you with my cum on Eyewitness News Morning Edition.  Steve Stucker would try to stop me, but I would be like, “Get outta here, man.  Go play with your dogs.”

And then I started to follow you on Twitter.  Your tweets are bullshit and your friends are weespas, and I’m beginning to suspect you lean center-right in your politics.  Or just center.  Center is the worst.  I kinda like the wacked-out fringe right.  They’re fun … and they have guns … and I don’t wanna get shot.  And I’m a gun owner.  Yo, Soap!  Remember the time you came over to the secret desert compound and I was all boozed up and my pistol was on the kitchen table?  I thought the coyotes were going to attack my sweet, deaf dog … my defenseless blondie … she was such a sweet girl.  She saved us from that wildfire on my birthday.  Remember, Soap?  Rememeber?!?!

Where was I … oh yeah.  Antoinette Antonio has a really stupid fucking name, but she is Asian and has a snaggletooth and a lazy eye.  Ooooohhh … how she makes me swoon!  And then the little appetizer goes out and files a putrid story about “Emergency Preparedness.”  She suckers some wealthy, healthy family into participating in her sick experiment.  She shows up at their house with some dude from the Red Cross and they tell the beautiful family that their house is under attack from God and Mother Nature.  Fires!  Floods!  Chemical Attack!  Killer Bees!  It’s all going down at the Perfect Family’s house.  Ms. Antonio says, “Wake up the baby!  It’s an emergency!”  The kids are crying.  The parents are bewildered.  They have ten minutes to evacuate the house with the essentials.  I can’t believe what I’m seeing.  And I’ve seen a horse fuck a man to death.  That’s nothing compared to Ms. Antonio’s abomination.

It got me thinking.  If it all burned down … and if I had my wallet and … I don’t know … some … and I don’t even need All of my hidden treasure … I think I would be all right.  There are a couple of shirts I really like and my Pumas … but I don’t give a fuck about anything else.  “Oh!  What about your financial records, Jake?”  Who ever said my real name was Jake?  Perhaps I’m living a secret life.  I just found out today at work that I am listed as Jacob Sanchez.  Those of you who are really close to me know that there are two or three or five Jake lookalikes out there in Albuquerque.  I’m like Saddam Hussein.  There’s Caustic J, ShakyJake, Jacob “Dirty” Sanchez, Saddam Sanchez and Jacob Hussein running around the Duke City.

It’s called identity theft, my friends.  I recommend it for everyone.  Real identity theft.  Abduct a normal citizen and give him/her plastic surgery so that he/she ends up looking like you.  It will be fucking chaos!  This is a true story: Some fucking smokehound grabbed my arm at a bar and thought I was some other guy because I looked Exactly like the other guy.  It was a real life case of mistaken identity.  We sat at the bar and pounded beers all night … shit … he even called up a couple of girls.  See?  It always ends with a happy ending.

See?  See??  Si, si!!!!

Happy Cinco de Seis.